I’ve always prized myself that I’m a nice girl. Yep, that’s right --- a nice girl --- steady, reliable, defender of the underdog, restrain the roar from within --- nice girl. Don’t misunderstand. The other side is just below the surface, awaiting permission to emerge with a vengeance, but it’s often beaten into submission. But I have to admit --- it’s become exhausting nurturing this persona of nicety, knowing what lies beneath. There are definite hazards to being known as the ‘nice girl’.

1. You are often taken advantage of because everyone knows you are the softy, quick to forgive, and always aiming for reconciliation. You see even if that lion beneath the surface roars its ugly head, it’s quickly replaced with forgiveness and resolution because peace is the ultimate goal. And everyone close to you knows this and uses it as leverage.

2. In order to survive the nice girl image, you must excel in suppressing emotion --- especially hurt, despair, and anger! Everyone is counting on you to let it go. Key in --- theme song to Disney movie Frozen. You pay the price because all that stuffing has to go somewhere --- it is stored within --- killing you from the inside out.

3. Slowly, it becomes your identity. You didn’t mean for it to, but it crept in and left you stunned at how much this characteristic matters. When you allow the beast within to show itself to the world, you are surprised at the audacity of others to boldly proclaim, “You aren’t so nice after all”. And boy, does your ego take a crushing blow for you have wrapped yourself so carefully in nicety because that’s what people celebrate and appreciate about you (or so you have convinced yourself).

4. The discontent within brews a concoction of self-combustion. All that you have stuffed will eventually come out! The ugliness, viciousness, and anger spewed will be a rude awakening to all bystanders that all wasn’t as it seemed. Or if you choose to continue to suppress, you will spiral into further depression because your soul can’t carry the burden. You pay the price for deceiving yourself into believing all is well when it most certainly is not.

5. When you tentatively begin to voice that which you’ve hidden, your tribe might tend to become annoyed because they are conditioned to act in a way that depends on your nicety. This hurts because it solidifies the false notion that you will only be appreciated if you are a ‘Yes Woman’.

These are the real life hazards of portraying a ‘nice girl’ persona my whole life. Yes, that lion beneath the surface attempts to rear its head at times but has remained quite tame. However, as often is the case, the caged beast must fulfill two different destinies --- die or fight.

Personally, fighting this nice girl image is where I currently reside. How do I knock down this representation without feeling I’m losing a piece of myself? The fallacy that Christians are nice has always convicted me when the desire to break free arose. I’ve correlated being nice so closely with who I am as a follower of Christ that I’ve deceived myself into thinking they are one and the same.

Just maybe, a lesson in terminology is necessary. Let’s face it --- being nice is not a fruit of the spirit --- but kindness is. Hmmm. Could we conclude that “Being Nice” is an outward behavior that may not accurately reflect what is on the inside? Quite possibly, being nice is more an image we rely on to appease others and falsify that all is well. We can be nice to those around us without ever resolving underlying issues that are demanding attention and proper boundaries. Being nice feeds your need to please others and to be likable by all. For myself, I believe I’ve been so distracted by the desire to be labeled nice that I’ve missed the deeper meaning of the word kindness and why it is considered a fruit of the spirit and nicety isn’t.

One of my millennial friends defined kindness as a state of being. You see kindness is nurtured within through relying and abiding with our Creator and Restorer, slowly developing fruit that can be used to nourish another. Life is renewed and made better because of kindness as it bears the fruit of love, empathy, compassion, self-sacrifice for another, and tenderness. 

As the days unfold in my near future, I’m going to be asking myself if I’m being kind or nice because there is a huge difference --- it largely comes down to motive. One is attempting to display an outward behavior that will cause acceptable and desired outcome in the actions of others. The other one is a disposition nurtured by the Creator Himself within; speaking love, compassion, and generosity into your innermost being so you have no other option than to allow it to ooze from your being --- you have become a conduit for a fruit of the spirit that blesses not only yourself but those around you. 

Here’s the challenge --- throw off your ‘nice girl’ image and instead till the garden of your mind with kindness, a state of being --- not dependent on anyone else’s actions or words, resting solely on the Master Gardener’s presence.

Say goodbye to the Nice Girl persona and hello to the woman being groomed for a state of being called kindness!

PS --- This could have just as easily been titled Hazards of a Nice Guy; principles still ring true!

PSS --- Receive more insight and dissection between being nice and being kind by signing up for my newsletter.

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Dive Deeper In To The Hazards of Being A Nice Girl

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Sensory overload does not adequately describe the sights and sounds my daughter and I encountered in our recent trip to New York City. The blinding signage in Times Square shouting messages to the passer-byers, daring them to ignore their persistence was relentless. The ominous presence of the NYPD, weapons ready, reminding us we weren’t in Indiana anymore. The skyscrapers sought to draw us in, convincing us of our miniscuity. People with dogged determination and focus strove to arrive quickly to their destination, scurrying as mice through a maze to their prize. Aromas mixed together into something undefinable and unappetizing.

However, if you paused and began to shut out the hustle-bustle, commercialism, and noise, beauty began to bloom within the cement jungle. There was the serenity of St. Patrick’s Cathedral where the architecture and reverence of the great cathedral brought solace in a city that seems unable to rest. The New York Public Library was populated with people who paused to read, explore art, demonstrate their talents… or sit in the adjacent Bryant Park and gaze on those who were expressing themselves in dance, music, and painting. Or enjoy a hot cocoa while taking in those who braved the ice rink. And what a welcome surprise that the towering buildings gave way and allowed for the openness of Central Park with trees, grace, ponds, rocks, beautiful bridges… what a breath of fresh air (okay minus the horse leftovers from the plethora of carriages). But people have slowed here --- they have escaped the city with its pressures and demands. Now, they sit on park benches and reflect; attempting to find what they lost within their soul. They play Frisbee, exercise through running and bike riding; remembering that the body and soul are connected. They visit with others, spend time with their children and pets; finding life and meaning in relationship.

How many things would gain clarity and even beauty in our lives if we paused, reflected, and related? Sometimes, most of the time, the most precious and meaningful gems in life are found when we stop, look up, gaze with fresh eyes at what is around us and be thankful! The greatest Artist of all time has surrounded us with beauty, but we have to examine what is right in front of us and embrace wherever we find ourselves. LOOK!

Beauty surrounds you. And what did we see when we paused in the great NYC that never sleeps:

• The blessing of 60 degree weather in January in NYC!

• Simple pleasure of beholding the iconic Rockefeller Christmas tree lit up with twinkling lights

• People of faith praying in St. Patrick’s Cathedral, seeking the truth in a city that tempts all with temporal and material

• A young mom and dad, working as a team to corral all their three young-ins and smiling and speaking tenderly to each other

• Artists of the canvas, music, and dance brave enough to display their talent for all to see

• Patrons at New York Public Library exploring history, architecture, and the written word --- giving evidence that reading isn’t a lost art after all

• The theater that quite literally makes books come alive, actors drawing us in to join them on this adventure

• An unexpected and delightful park that seems endless, surrounded by the gift of nature

• Quiet moments, sipping hot cocoa with my daughter, as we converse and watch the skaters with the New York Public Library as our backdrop will forever be etched in my memory

If you took time to cease, gaze all around you, what beauty would you see? What can you be thankful for amidst the chaos of life? What is right before you that you need to embrace?

Take the challenge of ceasing, pausing, reflecting, and embracing beauty. Test this ancient practice of being still and seeing with clarity and anticipation. Share with someone what benefits you reap.

In an obscure town of Bethlehem within the humble confines of a cave stable was born Someone extraordinary. A Savior broke the barrier between divine and earthly; giving us all opportunity to pause to the meaning and sanctity of it all. Can you imagine what was in the hearts and minds of those who encountered this God come to earth to literally be Immanuel, God with us?! Let’s travel back in time, placing ourselves within this story of old, hitting the pause button often to allow the meaning to nestle within our being, whispering truth and direction to our current path. Pausing creates the space to breathe in His grace, mercy, and compassion, in order to exhale the truth and beauty of this ancient love story.

Luke 2:6-7 “While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn.”

Pause

There is a season, a time for everything under the sun, and when the time is ripe, nothing impedes the forward momentum of that monumental, life-changing event --- not even ‘no vacancy’ signs. Most of what comes our way will not be what we expect or how we expected it to come, but come it will nonetheless. And how we respond to that less than perfect situation can determine our future steps. Our Lord specializes in taking our impossibilities, bleak circumstances, and breathing life, hope and meaning into them.

Luke 2:8-12 “And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.””

Pause

Can you imagine the astonishment and the fear these shepherds encountered at the harkening of the angel. To our knowledge there was nothing extraordinary about the night, other than one star appearing brighter than normal. And shepherds… no one bothered to tell them anything. They kept to themselves and let’s face it people liked it that way --- these smelly, nomad, loner beings were best kept at a distance. But the angel of the Lord interrupted that societal barrier and appeared to send a message loud and clear --- This Messiah, God with us, has come with the purpose to save all who are willing to be saved.

Luke 2:13-14 “Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.””

Pause

And then if that wasn’t enough to awaken those shepherds senses, a multitude of angels burst into the scene just to confirm the good news to all people and provide evidence of this radical, extravagant love our Father was extending to humankind on this night like no other!

Luke 2:15-16 “When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.”

Pause

Let’s be honest; they were probably dumbstruck for the first few minutes after the angels left them with only the stars twinkling against a dark sky. I can see them staring into the night, awaiting another flash of brilliance, a message that said “just kidding; you’ve been punked”. When that didn’t happen, they look around at each other as if to say, “Did that just really happen?” And one by one they began to nod and smile, excitement mounting and hope replacing the fear that had left them motionless. Then one bravely exclaims, “Let’s go”. And they do! And what emotions did they feel when their eyes finally beheld their hope, their Messiah, who promised to come to ALL.

Luke 2:17-18, 20 “When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them… The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Pause

The Messiah always takes our mess and makes a message for us to share with those around us. He touches within each one of us the part that doubts, hurts, and continually fails and He says, “All that brokenness will be restored into a beautiful mosaic masterpiece.” Each one of us is a work of art that boldly proclaims our Messiah to our circle of influence. And when people hear and see our message, they will be in awe because they know it didn’t come from us but was truly divine.

This Christmas take time to PAUSE. Cease doing and just be in the presence of the One gift that never wears out nor ever goes out of style. This Gift will continue to give all year long if you create space in your life to PAUSE and seek Him. What is the Gift telling you when you PAUSE and listen to this timeless Christmas story?

Have you ever seen a pond that is stagnant --- nothing coming in and nothing going out? Those are water sources that you might second guess drinking from because they are contaminated with bacteria. It’s a breeding pool for pathogens. An unappealing analogy can be drawn about our mindset. If we choose to remain in overthinking, worry, or doubt --- allowing nothing of benefit in --- nor anything related to praise out --- we will be stagnant in our action, remaining in what my daddy refers to as “stinkin thinkin”.

However, the converse is also true. Have you seen the overflow of a waterfall running off a mountain cliff into a beautiful, crystal river. And in return, the active stream emptying into a greater expanse of water? Now, that is living water --- powerful, moving, feeding --- flowing in and out. Can you see where this is leading?

Likewise, our minds can bathe in thanksgiving which never comes back void. There is a natural reciprocal response to giving thanks. Envision a grateful heart as a waterfall pouring into your soul, providing life and perspective to your mind which in turn nourishes our motivation to move, act, and live. Our Creator has designed each of us to thrive when in a state of thankfulness.

Don’t misunderstand me. This is not a declaration that your circumstances will change. Rather, an expectation that by giving thanks, your soul will be given fresh hope, joy, and motivation, nourishing your mind with proper perspective, peace, and contentment so you are able to move forward despite what is happening.

This Thanksgiving season is a perfect time to begin the art of giving thanks, finding all the many reasons to be thankful. Then anticipate the science (orchestrated by our Heavenly Father) of the unfolding of reciprocity. For giving thanks and praise never returns empty-handed!

“…give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” --- I Thessalonians 5:18

“What if, today, we were grateful for everything?” --- Charlie Brown

Fall is an excellent reminder of the beauty that exists with change and the inevitable necessity of dying in order for renewal. Change can often feel threatening and terrifying because the unknown is involved. Or it can create anticipation and energy for what is to come.

Excitedly and impatiently, I await autumn—

• the crisp, cool air that overtakes the smothering humid heat from summer

• the marvelous artwork that bursts forth in brilliant colors replacing the monotonous singular hue of green

• bonfires that gather families/friends together to enjoy the evening skies and swap stories

• children adorning themselves in their favorite costumes and receiving candy for their night of make believe

• a season of Thanksgiving where we offer thanks for all we should have been remembering year around

• pumpkin patches, pumpkin doughnuts and lattes, pumpkin cookies and pies, roasted pumpkin seeds, basically everything pumpkin and spice!

Fall over and over reminds me that change can be beautifully blessed and necessary for growth. And it can be welcomed with anticipation and intrigue as we embrace the appeal of each season, recognizing the importance of turning points and equipping ourselves with the proper perspective. Sometimes we might be tempted to meet change with an obstinate, stubborn attitude to remain where one is or to allow it to paralyze us as we focus on the what-if’s, fears, and obstacles in our paths.

However, there is another way to meet change — By adjusting your perspective to whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy! My daughter takes a lot of science classes; she’s brilliant (I’m not biased at all). Recently, she shared that in her Health Fitness class that the teacher discussed the scientific evidence for the mindset of thankfulness being beneficial to our health. Wow! Ironically, God’s Word tells us to do this quite often. There should be no surprise that our Creator would establish a principle that leads to well-being.

Our mindset has the power to completely alter our thoughts, creating a proper perspective to meet change head-on. And in so doing, we are inspired to embrace the present moment, along with its changes, as something that has a potential purpose we cannot see currently, and yet is necessary to address the rest of our story. We need to lean into change, accepting the fact that each of our stories includes:

• ups and downs

• stagnancy and movement

• contentment and restlessness

• speed-ups and slow-downs

• victories and defeats

• mountains and valleys

Each of our journeys are full of dichotomies (read Ecclesiastes) — but one thing remains the same for me
— the steadfast compassion and love of my Lord who works all things toward our good – which in itself is a beauty that is a complete mystery and miracle. Embrace the changing seasons in your own life with a spirit of awe, inspiration, and thankfulness.

Our society is driven by formulas, self-help steps, and quick-fix methods. But in reality, do formulas resolve our weaknesses, problems, and ailments? Okay, other than math and particular sciences. Do they really hold the key to answers and life transformation? Or are they simply a mirage tempting us with hope and an easy way forward only to leave us once again empty and hopeless.

Life is jam packed with questions of why, where, when, and how long. However, answers to life’s difficulties and heartbreak rarely arrive neatly packaged. Instead, they tend to meander alongside our path --- intersecting at just the right time and with just the amount of information we are prepared to digest. There is a mystery to this life that cannot be adequately explained and involves a lifetime journey of discovery. Life is meant to be experienced and radically lived, and within this endeavor we bump up against life’s questions. Questions will always be; problems will always present themselves; sickness and heartache will accompany our steps. But these are not meant to leave us in despair. In fact, it may be the motivation needed to spur us to seek our Lord, authentically pursuing thankfulness, relationship, and direction.

Formulas are objective, short-lived, and often empty of substance. Relationships, even with our Creator/Redeemer are messy, subjective, and lifelong but full of meaning and purpose. The greatest blessings in life do not come in gift wrap from Nordstrom’s and an exquisite bow on top. They come “out of sorts”, mysterious, unexplainable, faith-based, and full of surprises.

Let me offer an illustration --- AKA --- my children. There were no formulas; what worked with one didn’t the other --- who knew?! They literally exploded out of both ends of their body and kept me up in the middle of the night for undefined reasons. But oh, the mystery of the joy that flooded my being when they smiled and cooed at me. There was neither method nor blueprint to parenting; no perfect way forward was available. Instead, in its place, was a desire to ask questions, pursue relationship, and a willingness to travel the winding road riddled with ups and downs, detours, graveled paths, and harrowing bridges with my two little ones. And I was richer for the adventure.

You see, formulas and easy answers never satisfy because they are deceptive; promising us easy fixes, shortcuts, and pat answers that don’t exist in our daily narratives. Life’s questions are often resolved in the heat of battle, in the daily writing of our story through trial and error, in our determination to not quit but persevere. And guess what you won’t find your purpose or passion in a formula either. You build your passion and purpose right where you are… in the present (Shout out to Liz Forkin Bohannon for her book Beginner’s Pluck that led me to this discovery). So… the next time you are tempted to break life down into a formula --- Don’t! Allow yourself to experience life --- all of it! Stop, breathe deeply, listen intently, radically seek, and always ask! For in the messy, the less than perfect, the unknown, you just may discover beauty, fulfillment, and abundance.

Books have been my solace amidst chaos, my escape from the mundane, my exploration into unknown worlds. A good story weaves itself into my heart, taking me captive until the final written word. Delving into the written word has the power to inspire, literally changing the direction of its recipient. Biographies share experience and wisdom gained by our fellow sojourners as they tackle specific struggles, overcome obstacles, pursue hope, and remind us of what is possible. Overall, the words penned on sheets of paper have:

v  Entertained

v  Inspired

v  Coached

v  Reminded me of Truth

v  Allowed me to Dream

v  Hope

v  Believe

v  Changed my perspective

v  And readjusted my view on life

Pouring over the written word has allowed me the privilege to enter another’s world and leave a bit different than when the first word was read. Thought provoking questions, hope secure as an anchor, inspiration that influences behavior and direction, navigational devices for the future, entertainment ---all these are reasons to read.

Don’t have money for a vacation, open a book to travel anywhere you want. Feel stuck in life? Turn the pages of a biography to see how others have learned to rise above their difficulties. Need a break from reality? Feast your eyes on a story that takes you to another place. In a perpetual cycle of hopelessness? Dive into the pages of the Living Word, otherwise known as the Bible. You might be surprised by what you find.

Don’t allow reading to become a lost art in your life.  

Now where did I leave that book?

Recently I had a conversation with a loved one on the discipline of fasting. They expressed the premise that fasting should only take place if led in your spirit to do so. I agreed. But like so often happens, my mind continued to return to this concept of fasting, going without for a greater purpose to be reached. When a concept begins to marinate within my soul, I know I must put pen to paper. And boy, did I write and write. So consider this blog a launching pad into this deep, sometimes controversial subject. Subscribe to my e-mails where I will give in flight directions as we soar to new heights in our practice of this discipline which is finding wings in our society again. You say, “Not in my circles!” Really, have you seen studies or listened to the benefits of the following:

v  Detoxing the body through a water cleanse or water fast

v  Powering down --- taking a break (fast) from social media and other media devises

v  Purging your “stuff” to live more simply and purposely

v  Blocking out time in your calendar to be present, create, and be still

These are all quality of life actions; they are to stimulate realignment with what is most important in our lives. All these would be a type of “fasting”, a self-denial with an end result in the wings. So as is so often the case, Biblical principles are beneficial whether you practice the Christian tradition or not. Our Creator has put certain tenets in place that work across the board and this is one. Sometimes you can only receive proper perspective with emptying your hands of what fills them.

Fasting has been seen as a denial of food or other item in order to demonstrate the seriousness of our faith or religious practices. However, what if we looked at it as a cleansing, a rebalancing of our soul, body, and purpose? Our purpose for abstaining isn’t to “get” what we want or to receive “brownie points” for showing such restraint. As I poured over the Scriptures, there were some interesting finds for me that will be shared in my e-mails during this season before Easter.  So don’t forget to subscribe to my e-mails www.shagaejones.com.

The motivation for fasting, purging, powering down, etc. should be to experience the opposite of abstaining… INDULGE. I know it’s an oxymoron that life throws us. By abstaining from the non-essentials, the” background noise” of our lives, we actually are freed  to indulge in things we often overlook --- rest, peace, focus, direction,...ultimately our relationship with our Heavenly Father. Practically, here are a couple examples:

v  Abstain from needless spending to indulge in giving generously of what you save.

v  Give up binge-watching Netflix so you can indulge in a project you’ve left on the back burner for far too long.

v  Rest on the Sabbath so you may indulge in restoration for your soul.

v  Step away from a meal to fill that space with prayer and reflection, relating to your Abba.

This year’s Lent Season lasts from March 6th – April 18th; each week you can receive an e-mail from me with helpful tips to utilize this season as an opportunity to seek our Lord without the distractions, appetites, etc. that so often cloud our judgement. It allows us to be open to receive what our Restorer knows we need. Whether you consider yourself a follower of Christ or not, I challenge you to pursue the discipline of this season. Test it and see what results you experience on the other side of doing without.

Give Thanks!

Thankfulness and worry cannot simultaneously coexist. Thankfulness displaces worry, discouragement, and anxiety. We can be caught in the throes of despair but our soul suddenly begins to lighten when our focus and energy turns to Thanksgiving! It truly is an amazing phenomenon how hope pervades the spirit once our mind remembers all our many blessings!

So count them, each and every day … count the extraordinary and the ordinary… you will be surprised how your soul sprouts wings and soars. There is no complicated formula nor specific phrases to be chanted. It’s simplistic in nature but takes focus and perseverance to remain in a perspective of thankfulness. Make it a habit to practice thankfulness.

“,,, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, overflowing with thankfulness.” Colossians 2:6-7

Tools to Incorporate this Season:

• ·         Read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

• ·         Keep a Thankful Journal by your side

• ·         As family and friends meet this holiday season, may your table be an opportunity for each to share the blessings of the year. Watch out: it can be contagious!

• ·         Wake each morning and name three things your thankful for before your feet hit the ground.

• ·         Volunteer; the experience of volunteering can remind you of all the gifts you have been given.

The multi-colored shade of trees,

     the crunch of brown and brittle leaves underfoot,

          a sea of brilliant red and orange hues that span acres,

               the crisp and invigorating air,

                    a flickering flame of a bonfire dancing in the night,     

                         the lazy afternoon spent at the apple orchard sipping on a cider slushy,

                              the plump and deep orange pumpkin find,

           freshly baked glazed pumpkin cookies,          

                pumpkin seeds roasted with just the right amount of seasoning,

        melt-in-your mouth pumpkin pie with a dollop of whipped cream

--- did I say pumpkin?!

Fall is one of my favorite seasons, and not just because I love everything pumpkin. Something about the crisp fresh air after the scorching heat of summer refreshes my soul. The beauty of the leaves as they change colors overnight and the ground covered with a rainbow of yellow, orange, and red always brings a smile to my face. “Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go.”

Yes, you heard me right. I realize I’m one of the last people to welcome change. I tend to be the one to cling to something because it is familiar, known, and comfortable. But this season teaches a different lesson. The trees let go of their leaves for a time in order to prepare for the future bloom. Fall reminds us that change is inevitable but always involves a beauty that was not there before. Change can be terrifying and difficult, but at the same time captivatingly wonderful.

For as we learn to “let go” as the trees shed their leaves, we are able to embrace the growth within us. As the old saying goes, “God cannot fill hands already full.” Think about it. If we are holding on to past hurts, habits, and attitudes, noticing the potential growth and change within will be problematic. In order to embrace what will be --- to embody what God is blooming within us ---we must be willing to let go of what was. As we hold in awe the unwrapping of the leaves from their branches, may we ask ourselves what habits, mindsets, addictions, and worries do we need to “let go” of. In return, what passions, thought processes, behaviors, and attributes do we need to fill our being with? For as Holley Gerth says, “Let’s remember we are all still in the middle of the messy, beautiful work of becoming.”