Where’s the Boundary Line
Boundary is a common buzzword not only in our personal lives but also in our professional lives. Everyone claims the necessity of them but so few are able to maintain them within daily living. The principle appears straightforward and simple when expressed on paper, but is complicated once introduced to reality. The question becomes “How do we navigate this quandary of boundaries --- effectively transferring from a concept into practical and meaningful daily practice?”
Believe me, the answers are somewhat elusive so this is my humble quest to seek the tools necessary to place in my belt to assist in building boundaries that transform. If you are wondering how successful I’ve been in the past, let me refer you back to my recent post “Hazards of a Nice Girl”. You will easily conclude my need for “Boundaries for Dummies” instructional book.
Let’s contemplate an obvious boundary line that separates each state in this expansive nation. There is a clear, definable line between each state designating where one ends and another begins. Interestingly, the boundaries are not impenetrable. You can cross over into another state with relative ease. However, the understanding is you as a tourist are now bound by the laws and the customs of that particular territory.
How rich the analogy when equated to distinctive borders set within our professional and personal lives. Boundaries determine our limits, our involvement, our direction. When we draw that line we are in essence proclaiming that others cannot cross certain lines and infringe upon what has been set. Your clearly set boundaries are not impenetrable, people can march right over that neatly drawn line, but you have the power to determine what will be allowed in and out. As Brene Brown states, by setting boundaries, we are “making clear what’s okay and what’s not okay, and why”.
In approaching this subject of boundaries, soul searching was necessary to pinpoint the struggles related to setting and committing to them in my own life. Below is in no way an exhaustive list but has been a springboard of questions to stimulate my thought process and challenge me to a deeper probe.
Do I intend to keep the boundary? This question is critical to the process because if there is no commitment to the set boundary being implemented then it is doomed from the onset. Difficulty abounds and determination in sticking to your clearly defined limits is critical. Therefore, if you have no intentions of maintaining the parameters named, then don’t proclaim it. A follow-up and correlated question then becomes…
Am I willing to navigate the inevitable repercussions to defining what is okay and what is not? This question is enlightening because it directly affects commitment level to perseverance. Another way to ask the question would be “Is this worth my time, effort and vulnerability?” Personally, this becomes the key decision making answer for me. If I’ve already decided I’m going to compromise if the road becomes tough, then I’ve already decided the value of implementation. Sidenote, there are times that compromise is beneficial to both parties.
How will I protect myself and reframe perspective of others? For example, people will misread my actions as unkind. The erroneous belief that setting boundaries is unkind has often influenced my decision to continue living without setting limits. Remember, I’m a recovering ‘Nice Girl’. Brene Brown gives critical insight, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” Let that truth nestle down within you and change your mindset.
What if other’s behavior and attitudes don’t change despite the clearly delineated parameters? Don’t be surprised, but there is a good chance they won’t change! The motivation for setting the expectations are flawed if your goal is solely to change another. No one has the power to control another’s behavior nor attitude. The goal to change my own responses both in action and mindset is paramount. The desire to inspire others to change behavior is secondary and dependent on their willingness to make amends.
How do I establish mindset boundaries that are not as clearly definable outwardly? Boundaries that involve setting limits and parameters around behavior are clearly seen by the actions taken or not. Mindset boundaries (clearly defining what your mind will focus on and paths it is allowed to journey) tend to be more difficult to designate but no less necessary. In fact, it could be argued that they are more essential. Confession? My biggest battles are in my mind.
Before setting boundaries, it is necessary to contemplate what has held you back in the past. Without completing this step, forward movement will be stifled. The above are my challenges to moving forward. The honest admission to each of you is I’m still wrestling with the above questions, and I’m not there yet. I’m convinced, though, that empowerment lays in designing a plan to move beyond my lack of boundaries into a world where the determination of what to create and allow rests primarily on myself!
Here’s your challenge: Become honest about why you haven’t set boundaries. List your reasons.